Just One of those days...

So today started to be a normal day, with a meeting for work at 9 30 am (that not so normal) a screaming baby in my house (that not so normal) and my husband gone out somewhere... (this very normal).
Well i guess not so normal, and of course after i baby sit the cutest 6 month old baby girl ever it makes me think to myself like i have for the past serveral months, and then even for the past couple years. Am i ever going to have a baby? I first have to say that there are people out there who have tried and are trying and taking all the steps and are into the process way furhter and more dedicated then i am as of now. This is for the main reason of my husband not wanting a child and me desperatley seeking the plus sign at the end of each month. Sometimes i think can i really be successful and i say "i" becasue remember only one of us is trying. This is a very confusing topic and maybe i will dscuss later in a future blog. Back to the people who are way more endebted to this then i am. First i have a friend who actually got me to start this blog and like her, felt so much better to be able to express things with this blog, and for me with the chance of someone reading and hopefully it inspires or just entertains. My heart completley goes out to those of you who have been TTC for many years and who have done all the steps and still have come up without a blessing. I still have to write what i feel and today accompanied by others in the past and i know more in the future i feel the same way my friend feels in some of her blogs and probably all the time outside of blog world. I cant help but feel bad becasue she has benthrough so much more then me and so havent so many others. I am not even oficially trying yet and i am frustrated, feel alone and despertly want a child. I cant help but wonder if people out there that dont go through infertility really understand (not that i have gone through yet or even will) but the other day i was with my husbands sister who has two children and they were both concieved acciedently...love it!! She asked me and knows that i want children very badly, do i want a boy or a girl? At first i was like a girl , an immediate response to what i believe would make me happy, then later like 30 seconds later i thought wait, why the hell would you ask me that it dosent matter to me if i have a boy or a girl or a frikken panda for all that matters. I JUST WANT A KID. Tis kind of rage that i have and have felt for several months i just dont understand and again feel bad and feel like i dont deserve to feel this way becasue who knows why i havent gotten pregnant yet. I have not had any tests besides my thyroid, becasue this was the only one my insirance covers and so yes i found out its at .84 which is some shape or form means its fine. Yea! but really how much does that affect the fertility process. I truly do feel that to those that are close to me that have been trying and trying that they are deservant if this is a word. I really hope and pray that the people that deserve to have a baby, the people that weould be great parents, mothers and fathers, not the people who had one night stand or the poeple who were careless, this makes me very sad and confused as to how it all works, whether it is a god who has control or something else i just want fairness to all.

And what i think is fair to start with, is definetly a certain someone :) getting pregnant and starting a family. Aiden be thy name.

I am sorry for this blog has not been humerous to say the least but really its just been one of those days.