The Switch

OK, I just got an idea which is going to turn into why i started this blog in the first place, finally after all these ramblings and crap entries a good one to look forward to reading...ready?


I was sitting on the couch thisd morning kind of restless switching back and forth from reading to watching television and in the midst of it all trying to contacty my husband who is still across the sea. Well after i called twice and found out that he is at the dermatologist, which if i spoke spanish would have learned this through just one call but becasue i lack the skills i had to call back and see if he had returned from the "medico" but to my dismay no he wont be back for a while. Ok so today then is the first day i have not been able to talk with him when i want. We discussd this and i have been throiugh this and up until now i have been lucky to get him everytime i call. SO i started thinking and was first going to call my dad and tell him my wacked out crazy ideas but then i thought he would think i am crazy so i went to my blog, (he wasnt home when i called haha).

So here is my crazy thought.

Why cant we humans have a place in our lives possibly in our houses or somewhere where we would have acess to "switches" you know like an off on light switch. But these are emotion switches!! There would be the happy one and the sad one and the angry one and the scared one and all of the possible emotions there is, bare with me here i am still trying to decipher all the thoughts that are pouring out. So as i think more detailed about it, my ultimate plan for the switches was to have control over them but we defintely couldnt have initial control like for instance the sad switch, we would never turn on we would actually maybe throw it out. So, all switches would be connected to us in a way that when we felt an emotion it would turn on and we would be aware of this so that we would be able to turn it off, but i also think that they should have time limits. Like once sad comes on then you ned to feel sad for a period of time before you can turn it off but the key is YOU CAN TURN IT OFF.

While sitting here on the couch feeling vulnerable and lacking control becasue i cant talk to my husband it has made me feel the emotion(s) sad, anxiety, longing. So this is the exasct moment when i came up with the SWITCHes....Now for what it is not for what i want it to be,

Us humans have One switch, and i think i may be talking about women more than man for i have no knowledge of being or feeling like/as a man, and this blog is not a john grey novel so i will not annalyze or try and assume what men or how they feel. Ok, so like i said we have one switch and it is all the emotions and it is forever flickering up and down, never stopping, sometimes it may slow down but then other times it gets fast and almost out of control, we cant and dont have control over THE SWITCH becasue simply it is all of our emotions, it would be easy or easier to control one emotion at a time and that is why i came up with the switches. Why i believe we have one switch is becasue of all the emotions i have felt in my life based on one particular part, oh lets say for example PEDRO..haha didnt see that comin did ya haha!!!!

When he is here he is all the bad nouns with added adjectives to spice up the noun i can think of, i.e. Stupid man, or we could get more colorful and say big huge *&@$%.. Ok jst kidding but that is how i feel some of the time hwne he is here some of the time he is loving and caring and yea!! he is my husband but uuughh right, ok stay with me...then we go to colombia together and panama first was PERFECT then colombia with his family,,,,ugghh we fought like always, last day of colombia in airport i cry he cries we are going to miss each other.?. OK then i get here where when i was in colombia i longed for and missed and wanted to be, and up until this week i have been ok and its fine, then this week came and i have had my "longing" switch on full blast. so lets lay it out for ya
in the order that they appeared beginging with panama...
Love, appreciation, lust, surprise, affection, eagerness, hope, irritation, aggrivation, frustration, grouchiness, anger, hurt,hoplessness, lonliness, anxiety, surprise, relief, anxiety, longing, joy, longing, love, fondness, infatuation, longing, longing, longing....and that brings us to the present and my question if all these emotions are toward my husband how can i feel longing for someone i also felt anger towards, i know that s how it is but i also right now feel and know that whne he gets back he is going to be as my brother and i agree sorry for the language "double dick" be casue he will be just coming back from a a two month vacation and will have to start working his long days again so with that anticipation how can i miss him and ever care for his return if all i have to feel is awaited fear and disappointment..............rahhhhhhhhhhhh

This os why i want the switches. I would turn off the longing switch and i would turn on the happy one and the motivated one and the joy one and the cheerful one, but nooooo there are no such thingds and so i sit here with my one switch on and about to go awry with all the emotions that i feel at once


Ask yourself how can it be that we humans can feel the opposite emotion at the same time?







This was a weird one i apologize but this is just the begining of my wierdness you have know idea!!!

Thank You Friend

Texting someone when they are at work is wrong, Texting someone when they are at work, and you get a response is a friend.


Thanks and next time you see me HIT ME and tell me to just wait a year !!!



Whats my problem?



I know exactly what my problem is!!!

I am ;
Impatient with things about me
addicted to change
addicted to instant gratification
stubborn when i want something
selfish when all the above are happening or not happening


alright at least i can analyze myself, and see that i need meds!!! j/k













You know deep down i think maybe becasue of all the other problems i am having this is what is coming out ...
My car
Money
Pedro not being here
My brother not getting a second job
Me not tryin hard enough to get antoher job
LIFE is life

Sorry in 2 ways...

Ok, Explaination of title; 1. I have not wrote anything for a while and 2. The only thing i have thought to write about is all my problems...so needless to say SORRY although i only have three followers :( haha love you guys..


Ok so before vacation my husband and i made a deal that we would actually start trying for a baby when he got back from colombia in Feb, since i will have already ovulated by the time he gets back we will try in March as our official first month of both BOTH of us trying so we will see if this pans out. Here is the sad part I dont know if he is true to his words, i have talked to him a couple times about this to kind of remind him and see what he is thinking at the time and he has assured me "yep" well i guess i dont want to say assured since its a mere little "yep" I would call it assuring if he was like yea when i get back we will blah blah blah and then we will blah bla and blah blah and then soon Natalie or Jyid will be on thier way. And what i mean by this is that he would actually talk to me about rather then just saying yep!! Instead what he does is reassures me its when god wants, and yes i do believe that but there are things you can do to help it along i mean if god wanted a girl to get pregnant but she was aving sex would that happen? If he pulls out or we use birth control would the power of gods wants over power our human actions to increase or decrease the chances of having a baby. I really think that you can only say when god wants when you have already done and are in the middle of a best effort on your part to try and make it happen. Yea my husband can say when god wants all he wants but if he does not help so that a sperm can reach my egg then i dont see a miracle happening here,

Here is the kicker. He promised that he would try after he got back becasue i had stated that if he wasnt ready by then i would have no choice but to leave him. A child for me is one ofthe most important things in my life and i do not want to be an "old" mother and on top of that i feel ready, i got married young and although sometimes i think i should have waited i do not regret it, and the kind of person i am yes i can see me making that same decision over again where 5 years down the road with a child (if god wants) i think to myself hmmm maybe i should have waited, but guess what i wont regret it i know i wont. And for me that is ok.


I dont know if he will one keep his promise or two i will keep mine. If he does not keep his promise then that means i need to leave what is at the moment a good relationship. If i couldnt muster up the courage to leave when things were bad how am i going to be able to leave whne things are considerably good! Of course the baby thing being the deciding factor...Will my desire to be a mother be my strength or like always will i break down?


Is this fair? He says that he has talked to "people" and they say that its not fair that i gave him an ultimatum, i personally think its an empty threat and he is hoping i change my mind or realize that this is not a fair thing to do. But listen On one hand i have been ready for a long time and we have been having unprotected sex for over two years .I believe this is a big factor in it me thinking is there something wrong? if we had been having protected sex maybe i would nt be all crazy abouty it , you know how bad you want something when you cant have it arrrggghhh.
O another hand I am 24 years old i am young why do i need to have everything happen NOW , but when we get thinking this way i think becasue i want to have kids young and if you just think of my timeline if i dont leave him.....


Situation A
He comes back we try to have babies and all goes well.

Situation B
He comes back and he had back out or how i figure it might happen he plays it off like we are trying but really his isnt since he has fooled me in the past, and so here is where i am suppose to leave and keep my promise and go find babies else where but in Situation B i do not leave i stay with him and understand he just wants to wait a little bit longer and then what if 3 years down the road he still isnt ready I CANT WAIT FOREVER AND I WONT at that point i will be 28 and that is getting up there especially when you need to leave your husband of 8 years and start over how long would that take 5 years then that puts me at 33, i definetly need a child before i am 33 becasue if i am ready now how in the hell could i possibly wait almost 9 more years.




oh my and all i wan to do right now is call him and talk to him about it but since everytime i have talked to him about it he has been ok and actually not gotten mad about me bugging him a ll the time about it if i call him now just to "make sure" hahaha he will get pissed and it will be worse sooo i def cant call him rahhhh.




why do i want a baby sooooo bad right now?