Sorry in 2 ways...

Ok, Explaination of title; 1. I have not wrote anything for a while and 2. The only thing i have thought to write about is all my problems...so needless to say SORRY although i only have three followers :( haha love you guys..


Ok so before vacation my husband and i made a deal that we would actually start trying for a baby when he got back from colombia in Feb, since i will have already ovulated by the time he gets back we will try in March as our official first month of both BOTH of us trying so we will see if this pans out. Here is the sad part I dont know if he is true to his words, i have talked to him a couple times about this to kind of remind him and see what he is thinking at the time and he has assured me "yep" well i guess i dont want to say assured since its a mere little "yep" I would call it assuring if he was like yea when i get back we will blah blah blah and then we will blah bla and blah blah and then soon Natalie or Jyid will be on thier way. And what i mean by this is that he would actually talk to me about rather then just saying yep!! Instead what he does is reassures me its when god wants, and yes i do believe that but there are things you can do to help it along i mean if god wanted a girl to get pregnant but she was aving sex would that happen? If he pulls out or we use birth control would the power of gods wants over power our human actions to increase or decrease the chances of having a baby. I really think that you can only say when god wants when you have already done and are in the middle of a best effort on your part to try and make it happen. Yea my husband can say when god wants all he wants but if he does not help so that a sperm can reach my egg then i dont see a miracle happening here,

Here is the kicker. He promised that he would try after he got back becasue i had stated that if he wasnt ready by then i would have no choice but to leave him. A child for me is one ofthe most important things in my life and i do not want to be an "old" mother and on top of that i feel ready, i got married young and although sometimes i think i should have waited i do not regret it, and the kind of person i am yes i can see me making that same decision over again where 5 years down the road with a child (if god wants) i think to myself hmmm maybe i should have waited, but guess what i wont regret it i know i wont. And for me that is ok.


I dont know if he will one keep his promise or two i will keep mine. If he does not keep his promise then that means i need to leave what is at the moment a good relationship. If i couldnt muster up the courage to leave when things were bad how am i going to be able to leave whne things are considerably good! Of course the baby thing being the deciding factor...Will my desire to be a mother be my strength or like always will i break down?


Is this fair? He says that he has talked to "people" and they say that its not fair that i gave him an ultimatum, i personally think its an empty threat and he is hoping i change my mind or realize that this is not a fair thing to do. But listen On one hand i have been ready for a long time and we have been having unprotected sex for over two years .I believe this is a big factor in it me thinking is there something wrong? if we had been having protected sex maybe i would nt be all crazy abouty it , you know how bad you want something when you cant have it arrrggghhh.
O another hand I am 24 years old i am young why do i need to have everything happen NOW , but when we get thinking this way i think becasue i want to have kids young and if you just think of my timeline if i dont leave him.....


Situation A
He comes back we try to have babies and all goes well.

Situation B
He comes back and he had back out or how i figure it might happen he plays it off like we are trying but really his isnt since he has fooled me in the past, and so here is where i am suppose to leave and keep my promise and go find babies else where but in Situation B i do not leave i stay with him and understand he just wants to wait a little bit longer and then what if 3 years down the road he still isnt ready I CANT WAIT FOREVER AND I WONT at that point i will be 28 and that is getting up there especially when you need to leave your husband of 8 years and start over how long would that take 5 years then that puts me at 33, i definetly need a child before i am 33 becasue if i am ready now how in the hell could i possibly wait almost 9 more years.




oh my and all i wan to do right now is call him and talk to him about it but since everytime i have talked to him about it he has been ok and actually not gotten mad about me bugging him a ll the time about it if i call him now just to "make sure" hahaha he will get pissed and it will be worse sooo i def cant call him rahhhh.




why do i want a baby sooooo bad right now?