Another Ramble. (I am Sorry)

So, for the past couple days my emotions have been on overload. One minute I am excited about the anticipated arrival of my husband, and then the next I am forelorn and disgustingly sad. Not forelorn or sad becuase I am alone and he is coming home! Forelorn and sad because i have this impending feeling that things will be back to there fiery pits of hell normalessness. By this i mean fights and screaming and tears and wishing that someone would give me the courage to leave.
I just talked to him on the phone. He sounded out of breath so i asked out of curiosity. "Why are you out of breath? Have you been running?" Well, his anwser was not clearly defined, until i found out he was crying. I told myself and my dad and my brother that i would keep it together and not hold anything against him when he gets home, becasue i understand the feelings he may be having. I lost it on the phone, i yelled and screamed and made sure he knew i did not want him to come back. I was like; "Colombia is your love not me and so you need to stay there." I dont regret saying these things at all becasue deep down inside i feel as though it is somewhat true. I am positive that Colombia for my husabnd is more important to him then me.


That last sentence, did you find your self saying, nu uh, no way your crazy. Well listen to this one.


HE has said in the past that he is going to move to Colombia whether i do or not. IS THAT WHAT A PERSON WHO IS SUPPOSE TO UNCONDITIONALLY LOVE YOU FOR YOU SAYS? IS THAT WHAT A HUSBAND SAYS TO HIS WIFE. YES it is if that is how he feels, and if he is cold hearted.

People, i know this is intimate and personal and the only reason i write these things about him is becasue i know he would NEVER be able to find this blog of mine, let alone read it. Which to some of you may be wrong but i could give a rats ass!! That is becasue I AM A GOOD WOMAN AND DESERVE SO MUCH MORE THAN WHAT HE CAN OFFER ME.
I write these becasue i need somewhere to vent. If i call my dad he is bias, i cant even try to think of calling my mom she hates him andway, but that is nothing to do with him, thats all her she didnt ecven like my first love who treated me better then any person known to mankind (for the whole time we were together). I cant vent to them becuase they will be bias and say what i dont want to hear, and then give me words of wisdom, "come home."
I cant vent to my friends in person, they will say wht i want to hear, i dont want that, i dont want motivation and encourageing words, so that i stay.

So my way out is this, rereading the blog and listening to myself, in a sense talking with myself, its the only real way.

I sit here on my couch writing these hate words about a man whom my heart is wrapped around. The generous person i am will always cave when it comes to standing up for what i have said or for what i believe. I know this is an attribute i carry becasue i do this with my brother as well, and so it makes me feel better that i dont cave just because its my husband. But it tears me up inside and i forever am searching for a black and white world!! Why is there so much Grey area in our lives. Black -Leave, because he is an asshole. White -Stay, because he is charming and loves me, and i love him dearly.

Grey-he is an asshole but i love him it pains me to think of not being with him what a good life i would have without him do i really want to go to colombia am i being forced he loves me and says kind things and thinks about me sometimes even though he has this crazy work schedule yea and work that is all he does does he have time for me no he has time for family friends tv cats and me all at the same time so that leaves next to nil for me but he gets me flowers he calls me every night from longhorn at 8 sharp to say hi i love you he never watches shows that i want to watch when he comes home form work he always watches his novellas and not what i want to watch if i am watching he will go in his room and sulk like a 3 year old he fixed my car a couple times he makes sure there is oil and stuff in it he encourtages me to save money for the future we dont have our money together but i like it casue he uses cash and use plastic but i want our money together but i dont i want a baby sooooo bad and i have this feeling he will have been lieing to me when it comes down to why are we not pregnant in 7 months, does he have good sperm do i have an egg do i ovulate is he sterile i love him for him he always say s i am fat he says that he like straight long hair and i have short curly hair he says that i used to be nice well he used to be nice too aaahhhhhfgghhh i hate the GREY area.


it was meant to be written with no puncuation becasue that is how i feel.

If it were balck nd white, what an easier world we would live in!! It might not be fun but at least there would be commas and periods.

For a person who has not seen their husband for 2 months to feel like this, i believe is wrong and i dont know how to fix it. Well i do know how but i dont want to.














Lastly, i hope that these are all just emotions flooding me internally, and exiting me via tears...When there are no more tears to shed, hopefully the emotions will subside.