Moods Change in an instant

Here I am trying to reconnect with my past with that great website facebook. So i am looking at it and i see this picture of a girl who looks to be at least 8 months pregant if not more. I clck on it and find out that it was someone in the grade below me who is now married to someone from my grade. Actually the person she is married to was the "pot head" of my grade "troublemaker" i could go on and on about how he was not by any means a good person. So i go on In this person profile they say all kinds of things that point to thier life being amazing and that thier third child is on the way and how thier life is amazing and that thier life is amazing....ahhhh .

Just yesterday i was feeling good about things, about my life and all the things that are in it but today, today things have changed, and a fellow blogger once said just a phone call can change your life well also knowing the past can too, i may not be in the right to feel jelous or angry a the person whom i didnt even realy know but i think to myself why would they be deserving of what they have. Me, who had good grades and now has a college degree, but still working at Longhorn Steakhouse ( i love it) and actually for shits and gigles my bro and i just applied to mcdonalds!! haha i at first thought it was funny and thinking that i am overqualified and that it would be easy money just for the short 5-10 morning shift that i applied for, but now that i have seen this profile of these "losers" in high school who have such a great life now three children. This makes me wonder am i happy? I want to be happy so maybe becasue i want it so bad i pretend to be. My emotions are masked and foggy right now with my husband gone so i guess i really dont know how i feel. I did say this morning on the phone with my husband "i dont want ot fight anymore, when you come home, i dont want to" he replied i dont either. HA easy to say that, lets see if that actually happens.

It seems like all the people i talk to and now all the rpofiles i see say all these things about how they dont have problems in thier relationships and this just makes me think of how i do! I try to recolect the memories of colombia this past December and all i remember are he bad times. I for real can only remember one good day!! It was so good that day ws very nice but is that one day enough?


Like i said i really hope that these are my masked emotions and forgotten emotions becasue he has been away for so long.


One thing that is really funny, he is not the type nor does he have the intelligence to find this blog. read this blog and then fix things...1. he doesnt know how to find it, 2. he would not be able to understand after reading this many words in english. 3. He is obvlivious to the fact that there may be something wrong, that maybe we should not be together.


How can i have these feelings and yet i call him everyday and say i want to hug him?


How is it fair? I can only conclude that it is my fault, my fault that i one married him, two have stayed through these tough times and three havent left yet!!! So me blaming myself puts me right back into the circle of pity. I cant do this. I need happyness!!


So hopefully Feb 19 comes faster then it should and he comes home and my emotions get unmasked and they are let out and i feel the real emotions of love and passion for what should be the happiest part of my life!!