Blog Renamed to: Do I love my husband?

So to finish with the 90 blogs i have wrote about my husband and my feelings and my overused brain and my emotions spilling over into a sea of confusion.

Here is what i am thinking about tonight, and will admit this has been on my mind for awhile.

So think of for me a few close friends, your immediate family and one aquaintence. Ok got these people in mind? So i bet you have decided that your close friends are that becasue they possess qualities that you like and they make you feel better and make you want to be better, and your immediate family, although there is an underlying rule you kinda have to love them, i am sure the majority of people feel an enormous amount of love for thier dad or thier mom and why? I am betting it is because of how they nutured you and helped you grow and support you and are not judgemental. Among the million other things that they have that you love about them. Now the aquaintece (which i am not spelling corrctly at all and even am spelling differnt ways in this blog). Are there any qualities they possess, are you not around them enough or do you choose to not become closer becasue you know there is something lacking, or something that you do not find attractive about thsi person?


I have thought on numerous occasions; What is it about my husband that makes me love him? What does he do to make me better, a better person? I have made list of what he does to piss me off and what he does that i dont deserve and all the things he does that make me feel bad and ashamed and ugly. Not to say that he says things that make me feel good too but these bad things are more prevalant and sometimes i think are said in truth!

Isen't a partner suppose to better you!

After all these times of thinking and thinking and over thinking of things that Pedro does to make me feel better or to better me i have only come up with one thing.

He has put pressure on me to save money, and i am finally doing it! c Saving money is a really good thing and yes he could have done it a different way but i do know that all in all he only means good by it.

See i think to myself the other way around What do i have to offer my husband. If he were to anwser this question he would be able to anwser an extensive list of selfless tasks and deeds and errands and jobs that i have done in pure love and passion for him. He works all the time and so does not have any time to do anything he migt need to do during the day, and having Sat and Sun off this limits his time, and flexibilty!

Is this the person i am? I have begun to discover that i thrive on some sort of control. I thrive on the fact that i can and do and sometimes hate doing all these things for him. Yes i thrive to hate it!! Do you know what i mean.

I sometimes when there is nothing to do i do something anyway and tell him i did it and then expect something in return, i dont actually expect but would appreciate reciprication and in a form where i dont have to ask for it, becasue if i bring up the fact that i do this and i do that he puts it in my face that when he does something for someone its not becasue he is waiting for something in return. REALLY? I dont put it in his face for this reason i put it in his face because the one thing i ask in a month he gives me shit about. You would think that after 48 errands, 6 store stops, 8 dinners, 31 days of cleaning the house, 5 cd burnings, 13 more misc things done for him, he would be able to stop at the store and get milk!!!!

Ok i may be being a little dramatic ecasue he would stop at the store but some things i ask for are so invasive and intrusive and horribly daunting , of course if you know my husband you know very well he did not use any of those words to describe these tasks or task i ask of him. In Pedro's words its "i was going to but i forgot" "ohhhhh mummy Lo Siento, I am fucking tired"


Did you ever think of my feelings, and my needs i may be tired too but i still do it without complaint (for the most part).


Damn it why cant i be happy ?

And to my fellow bloggers / followerers . I honestly do not write all my problems on here for you to gibe me advice or support or even talk to me asbout all of it , i just do this to feel better by venting to Cyberspace which surprisingly works wanders!! So please Please do not feels as though you need to turn into my pyschologist /therapist just read and enjoy knowing you just may have it better then someone else!!! HAHA I am really not as depressed as i sound really!!!!